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pain of divorce Hot button warning... was: Re: Bittersweet Day (0 viewing) 
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TOPIC: pain of divorce Hot button warning... was: Re: Bittersweet Day
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'Kate (Visitor)
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pain of divorce Hot button warning... was: Re: Bittersweet Day  
The real stages of grief are a bit different, as we're finding.  Let me personally tell you that there's no denial about it.  Once you see your spouse/parent in a casket, you know. Having just come from a weekend retreat where this was one of the topics discussed, Kubler-Ross's stages are in regard to loss in general.  Not just death or terminal illness.  Not all psychologists agree that this is the process.  Not all people go from one stage neatly to the next. In fact, this weekend one of the things that came out was that most of the women in the room had reached a point where they realized anything can trigger you back through the process over something you long since thought settled.  Not only that, you never fully accept the loss.  You may assimilate it and actualize it (whatever actualize means...I find it to be an overused buzzphrase) but you always live with the knowledge that you will face it again. The difference between the younger and older women there (we ranged from 27 to 71 years of age) was that the older you were the more able you were to allow yourself to take chances or risks when dealing with loss since you knew from past experience that you would get through it. We've been through the divorce vs death thing a zillion times around here.  The reality is they are both deep losses and they are comparable but not quantitive in their depth.  Your children experienced loosing a parent.  A difficult thing but in some ways they are lucky than those with a parent that bugged out or one that is active in their lives but the relationship is changed due to divorce.  In other ways they have it worse.  It's like comparing apples and oranges...they're both fruit. It is very difficult on my son to know that his parents get along fine and can work together but will never marry again.  It's made harder by two things: he loves his step-father and movies (ie the Parent Trap) where everyone is singing and dancing and living happily ever after. Sure, he may have peers in similar situations but that doesn't mean that it's easier...just different.
 
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